Being
Assertive

from the Augsburg College Academic Skills Center

OUR HUMAN RIGHTS

1.  We all have the right to get respect from people.

2.  We all have the right to have needs and to have these needs be as important as other people’s needs.  Moreover, we have the right to ask (not demand) that other people respond to our needs and decide whether we will take care of other people’s needs.

3.  We all have the right to have feelings -- and to express these feelings in ways which do not violate the dignity of other people (for example, the right to feel tired, happy, depressed, angry, sexy, lonesome, silly, playful, etc.)

4.  We all have the right to decide whether we will meet other people’s expectations or whether we will act in ways which fit us, as long as we act in ways which do not violate other people’s rights.

5.  We all have the right to form our own opinions and to express these opinions.

ASSERTION SCALE

Please read the statements below and ask yourself, “How would I be likely to act in these situations?”  Answer by putting a “U” on the nearest line opposite the question if you would usually act that way and an “R” if you would rarely act that way.

In Column “C”, put a check mark if you are usually uncomfortable in that situation.

							          RESPONSE SCALE

	SOCIAL				   Column “A”    Column “B”    Column “C” 

1.  When I meet someone new, I am the first to _________	   _________	_________
      introduce myself and begin a conversation.

2.  I look people in the eye when talking to       _________	   _________	_________
      them.

3.  When people cut in front of me in line, I     _________	   _________	_________
       tell them to go to the end of the line.

4.  If I need help doing something, I ask 	  _________       _________	_________
      someone to help me.

5.  I speak up, even when I know I might	  _________	   _________	_________
      be embarrassed.  

6.  If someone ignores me, I make sure s/he	  _________      _________	_________
      knows it by snubbing him or her, or by 
      telling the person off.

FRIENDS, RELATIVES			Column “A”    Column “B”    Column “C”

7.  I tell my best friend when s/he says or	_________	_________	_________
      does something that bothers me.

8.  I am able to say NO when someone asks	_________      _________	_________
      me to do something that I don’t want to do
9.  When friends call and talk too long on the _________	_________	_________
      phone, and I want to get off, I can end the
      conversation without making up an excuse.

10.  When my best friend doesn’t like all the	_________     _________ 	_________ 
same things I do, I look for other people
            to do things with.
11.  If friends borrow things and forget	_________	_________  	_________                                          	to return them, I give them a piece 							of my mind, even though I sometimes 						regret it later.

SCHOOL					Column “A”	Column “B”	Column “C”

12.  I speak up in class.			_________	_________	_________

13.  If a classmate borrows a book and 							doesn’t return it, I ask him/her 	_________	_________	_________		about it.

14.  When I am confused in class, I ask	_________	_________	_________
         questions until I understand.

15.  If I have opinions that are different          _________	_________	_________
        from other people, I tell them.

16.  I tell the teacher when s/he is using a 	_________	_________	_________	book too hard or too easy, or giving 							homework that seems of no use.

17.  If I think I’m being treated unfairly by a _________      _________	_________
        teacher, I tell her/him about it, and I don’t
        hesitate to tell the teacher if s/he is a stupid 
        or bad teacher, either.

18.  When a teacher, or counselor, or		_________       _________ 	 _________          	principal gives me a bad time, I 							get mad and can’t help losing my temper.
SELF						Column “A”	Column “B”	Column “C”

19.  I accept compliments or gifts without 	_________	_________	_________
        embarrassment or feeling that I owe
        that person.

20.  When I am at fault, I admit it.		_________	_________	_________

21.  I make decisions and accept the results.	_________	_________	_________

22.  I freely tell people how I feel about	_________	_________ 	_________	things.
23.  When someone criticizes me, I try to	_________	_________ 	_________
        understand what he is saying without
        getting angry, upset, or hurt.

24.  If I like a certain article of clothing and	_________	_________	_________                                                                              	want to wear it, I will, even though 								everyone else always wears something 
	else.

25.  If I was at a party and everyone was 	_________	_________	_________
        smoking dope and I didn’t want to, 
        I would tell them no thanks.		

26.  When I’m at fault, I tend to blame 	_________	  _________	_________
        other people.

27.  When someone criticizes me, I tell them  _________	  _________	_________
        what I don’t like about them.

PEOPLE IN POWER				Column “A”	Column “B”	Column “C”

28.  I can resist the urge to spout off when 	_________	_________	_________
       I’m accused of something I didn’t do.

29.  I answer calmly, even if I feel like yelling_________	_________ 	_________
       at my parents, when they keep asking me 
       personal questions about me and my boy/girlfriend.
30.  When somebody in power scolds me or   _________	_________	_________
        “chews me out,” I admit I was wrong, 
        if I was, and try to figure out what to do to 
        correct it next time.

31.  When I’m accused of doing something 	 _________	_________	_________
       wrong, I don't just stand there saying “Yeah, 
        I guess you’re right,” or shrugging and 
       muttering “I don’t know.”  I answer questions 
       honestly and try to figure out whether the authority 
       is right or I am.

32.  When someone “chews me out” for	_________	  _________ 	_________	something that’s not my fault, I  								get mad or accuse them of being 								mean or stupid.

33.  When someone in power asks me stupid  _________	  _________ 	_________	questions, I just clam up and stare 							at the ceiling.

ANALYSIS OF SCORES

In Column “A,” each “U” indicates assertive responses, and each “R” indicates submissive responses.  In Column “B,” each “U” indicates aggressive responses, and each “R” indicates either submissive or assertive responses, which will come out in discussion.

Check marks in Column “C” point to situations in which you may want to change your responses, in order to reduce discomfort.

There are no “good” or “bad” scores.  The purpose of this inventory is to help you become aware of which areas are difficult for you.  Under what circumstances do they tend to be assertive, submissive and aggressive?  As a leader, you will then know where to concentrate role-plays and discussions.

“Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself to 
become what he potentially is.”  Erich Fromm
A NOTE ABOUT YOU 

	Think about yourself.  Think what a remarkable, unduplicated, miraculous thing it is to be you.  Of all the people who have come and gone on the earth--Eve, Ruth, Esther, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Susannah Wesley, Queen Elizabeth I, Molly Pitcher, Madame Chiang, Eleanor Roosevelt, Bridgette Bardot, Pearl Buck, Helen Clymer--not one of them is like you.  No one who ever lived, no one who is to come, had your combination of abilities, talents, appearance, friends, acquaintances, burdens, sorrow, opportunities.  No one’s hair grows exactly the way yours does.  No one’s fingerprints are like yours.  No one has the same combination of secret, inside jokes and family expressions that you know.  The few people who laugh at all the same things you do don’t sneeze the way you do.  No one prays about exactly the same concerns as you do.  No one is loved by the same combination of people who love you.  No one.  No one before, no one to come.  You are unique.

	Enjoy that uniqueness.  Feel special about it.  You do not have to pretend in order to seem more like someone else.  You weren’t meant to be like someone else.  You do not have to lie to conceal the parts of you that are not like what you see in anyone else.  You were meant to be different.  Nowhere, ever, in all of history, will the same things be going on in anyone’s mind, soul and spirit as are going on in yours, now.  You matter.  If you did not exist, there would be a hole in creation, a gap in history, something missing from God’s plan for mankind.  Treasure your uniqueness.  It is a gift of God, given only to you.  Enjoy it.  

	Share that uniqueness.  No one can reach out to others in the same way you can.  No one can speak your words.  No one can convey your meanings.  No one can comfort with your kind of comfort.  No one can bring your kind of understanding to another person.  No one can be cheerful and light-hearted and joyous in your way.  No one can smile your smile.  No one else can bring the whole unique impact of you to another human being.  Share your uniqueness.  Let it free to flow out among your family, your friends, to people you meet in the rush and clutter of living, wherever you are.  That gift of yourself was given you to enjoy, but not to hoard.  Give yourself away.  

	See the uniqueness around you in each person you meet.  See it, receive it, let it tickle you, let it inform you, let it nudge you, let it inspire you, let it comfort you.  The collection of unique, irreplaceable beings around you now has never been available before, and will not be in quite the same way, again.  And so--dear, special, irreplaceable person--receive the gift of yourself and of others.  Notice the gift, enjoy it, celebrate it, and be very thankful.					--Dorothy L. Williams
RULES FOR ASSERTIVE “DEC” TALK
DESCRIBE
		DO							DON’T

Describe the other person’s behavior			Describe your emotional reaction
objectively.						to it.

Use concrete terms.					Use abstract, vague terms.

Describe a specified time, place, and			Generalize for “all time.”
frequency of the action.			 

Describe the action, not the “motive.”		Guess at the other person’s motives
							or goals.

EXPRESS
Express your feelings. 				Deny your feelings.

Express them calmly.					Unleash emotional outbursts.

State feelings in a positive manner,			State feelings negatively, 
as relating to a goal to be achieved.			making put-down or attack.

Direct yourself to the specific offending 		Attack the entire character 
behavior, not to the whole person.			of the person.

SPECIFY
Ask explicitly for change in the 			Merely imply that you’d like 
other person.						a change.

Request a small change.				Ask for too large a change.

Request only one or two changes 			Ask for too many changes.
at one time.

Specify the concrete actions you want		Ask for changes in nebulous
to see stopped, and those you want to			traits or qualities.
see performed.

Take account of whether the other 			Ignore the other person’s needs
person can meet your request without		or ask only for your satisfaction.
suffering large losses.					

Specify (if appropriate) what behavior 		Consider that only the other
you are willing to change to make the		person	has to change.
agreement.
D-E-S-C MODEL OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

D	DESCRIBE the behavior which you do not like.

E	EXPRESS your feelings regarding the behavior, using an “I” statement.

S	SPECIFY a more acceptable behavior, either with or without the input of the 	person(s) with whom you are experiencing conflict.  Listing alternative behaviors
 	and coming to agreement upon one of them can best do this.

C	Developing CONSEQUENCES, both positive and negative, might be helpful, 	especially if previous efforts at resolving the conflict have led to mistrust.  This 	need not be done if trust is present.

Here is an example in which the D-E-S-C Model is being used:

“I feel puzzled and even somewhat angry when you make changes in the program without first discussing it with me.  Because I am the director of this program, I am responsible for its operation.  I’m wondering if we could discuss some solutions.  I have some of my ideas (state alternate solutions, including those of the person with whom you are in conflict).  Now, since this problem has come up before, I want 	some assurance that it will work this time (negotiate positive and/or negative consequences, if appropriate).  I feel much better now that we’ve spoken about this issue.  I appreciate your willingness to work this out with me.”

Some thoughts on conflict resolution using the D-E-S-C Model:

	1.  There is no guarantee that this model will necessarily lead to resolution of a 	conflict.  The person with whom you are in conflict has the right to refuse to 	involve him/herself in this process and behave either aggressively or non-	assertively.

	2.  The D-E-S-C Model is also useful as an outline for giving positive feedback to 	another, specifically the first two steps (for example, “I’m glad that you discussed 	this issue with me before you made your decision.”)

3.  Be aware of your nonverbal communication during a conflict.  If you are feeling tension, take a moment to relax your muscles and to breathe more deeply and regularly.

4.  Be aware of any irrational assumptions you  might hold about conflict situations and how these irrational assumptions might affect possible outcomes.  Substitute more rational ideas.  For example, instead of thinking, “I hate conflict.  I always wind up losing,” substitute “I have a conflict with him.  I know some excellent techniques for dealing with conflict, and I have the right to express my feeling and ideas.”

CONSTRUCTIVE COMPLAINING

1.  Complain to the person you think is harming you, and not to anyone else.

2.  Try not to object to your person’s behavior in front of anyone else.

3.  Don’t compare the person’s behavior in with that of other people.

4.  Make your complaint as soon as you can, that is, as soon as you’re alone with the other person and can articulate it.  

5.  Don’t repeat a point once you’ve made it and the other person has carefully considered it.  This means, don't expect a signed confession after you’ve spoken.

6.  Object only to actions that the other person can change.

7.  Make your complaints vocally, not facially.

8.  Try to make only one complaint at a time.

9.  Don't preface your complaint.

10.  Don’t apologize for your complaint after making it.

11.  Avoid sarcasm.

12.  Don’t ask people why they’re doing something to which you object.  Ask them to stop, if that is the underlying idea you wish to express.

13.  Rehearse your presentation if you need to.

14.  Don’t talk about other people’s motivation when objecting to an activity.

15.  Avoid words like “always” and “never;” they contain implicit references to the past.

16.  If you never compliment the other person, don’t expect him to remain open to your criticisms.
							Dr. George Weinberg
							From The Action Approach

SUGGESTIONS FOR LISTENING TO CRITICISM

1.  Be quiet while you’re being criticized and make clear that you’re listening.

2.  Look directly at the person talking to you.

3.  Under no circumstances find fault with the person who has just criticized you.

4.  Don’t create the impression that the other person is destroying your spirit.

5.  Don’t criticize the other person’s reactions to your behavior; for instance, don’t call him oversensitive.  His reaction is not the point.

6.  Don’t jest.

7.  Don’t caricature the complaint.
8.  Don’t change the subject.

9.  Use your intelligence to help articulate the objections, not to obscure it.

10.  Don’t imply that your critic has some ulterior, hostile motive for his criticism.

11.  Convey to the other person that you understand his objection.

12.  However,

“Don’t let people carp at you on the pretext that they’re giving you constructive criticism.  You can distinguish carping from criticism by determining whether the other person stays within the rules for making a reasonable objection.  I think you have the right at any time to ask for a short suspension of criticism.  Refusal to grant it, or inability to tolerate it, betrays the compulsive critic.  The ideal path is narrow: you must be open to criticism but not allow yourself to be tyrannized by it.”

						Dr. George Weinberg
						The Action Approach

I WILL CHOOSE TO BE ASSERTIVE WHEN

	-there is a high probability that the other will alter the troublesome behavior

	-there is a low probability that I will violate the other’s space

	-there is little likelihood that I will diminish the other’s self-esteem

	-there is a low risk of damaging the relationship 

	-there is a low risk of diminishing motivation

	-there is little likelihood that defensiveness will escalate to destructive levels

I WILL AVOID

	-character assassination
	-absolutes 
	-profanity 
	-judgmental language
	-lengthy descriptions
	-displaced assertions 
	-vague or fuzzy behavior description

THE SIX-STAGE ASSERTION PROCESS:

	1.  PREPARATION

	2.  SENDING THE ASSERTION MESSAGE

	3.  BEING SILENT

	4.  REFLECTIVELY LISTENING TO THE DEFENSIVE RESPONSE

	5.  RECYCLING THE PROCESS (REASSERT)

	6.  FOCUSING ON THE SOLUTION